this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
