I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
