then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
