Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize