every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
