good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
