I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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