Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
