worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
