When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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