dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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