he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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