When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
