I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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