You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
