Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
