god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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