HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize