Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
operation have a gay friend backfired
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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