My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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