My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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