My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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