I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
