I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
