i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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