ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
