Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
