i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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