my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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