D3 body, D1 cock
I wish I could teleport
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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