I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
