Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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