Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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