Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
