i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
