The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
