im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
