before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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