I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
