Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Drunk is not a location!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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