Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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