I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
