I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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