Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
