I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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