my phone needs a breathalizer
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
