Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
