textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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