o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
