At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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