I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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