I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
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