What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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