I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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