There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
