Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
