I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
