My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
