i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
