I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
